Dance to the Rhythm

MY MOM FOUND MY SHIRT!!!! THANK YOU ST.ANTHONY!!! Apparently, St. Anthony loves a dirty mouth...

So I never write in this thing. Ever. But I am so beyond frustrated over the stupidest things that I figured what better place to vent than LiveJournal?

Two things frustrating me:
1. Bank of America...I hate them. Everyone there. They're idiots with no souls. I hate them. They are keeping $100 of mine in a pending transaction that I cannot access until it "clears". I am broke. I had an un-fucking-paid internship all summer assholes. Give me my money. I hate them.

2. I may have lost my favorite shirt. My favorite favorite favorite party shirt. The shirt that makes me look thinner and sexier than any other shirt. I will seriously cry over the loss of this shirt. St. Anthony better fucking interject this time. Is it bad that I just put the word 'saint' and 'fucking' in the same sentence? Yeah...definitely is...but whatever.

One thing that is not frustrating me:
1. An awesome, although short, conversation I just had with the one, the only Ashley Busch. I love her. Love her lots. "Don't make me shave my legs by filling my head with sex dreams!" haha. I cannot wait to see her on Saturday.


I guess I have a lot of things to look forward to and I shouldn't focus on the negative (materialistic) things. Greg's party, Caitlin's party, Elon, home...yadda yadda yadda. But it's just hard to stay positive when your days before the end of the 3rd row of pills in a certain packet. I blame all of my ranting on that entirely. But seriously, keep Bank of America in your prayers because if they don't get their act together my father will be calling them and I don't wish that upon anyone. And keep my black shirt in your prayers too because I love it.



Wow. I sound like such a bitch in this post. Good thing no one reads these things anymore!

Open iTunes or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library.

How many songs?
1229-wow...need to get more.


Sort by song title:
First - #1 Crush - Garbage
Last – Zee Deveel - Incubus

Sort by time:
First – Knockin' on Heaven's Door- Bob Dylan (it didn't d/l right)
Last – Eskimo-Damien Rice

Sort by album:
First - 1-The Beatles -Love Me Do is the first song
Last – Well I have a lot of songs without album names so they're at the end but if I ignore them then it is Mirah's "You Think It's Like This but It's Really Like this" and 100 Knives is the last song

Most Played Song:
haha it's "you won't get away" by a friend of a friend-natalie robin. really good song.

First song that comes up on Shuffle:
THe Last Dance-Frank Sinatra

Find "sex", How many songs come up?
4

Find "death", How many songs come up?
24

Find "love", How many songs come up?
77



Stolen from Miss Alex Braunstein..I just want to know how she searched "sex" and had 45 songs come up. Crazy girl.

I've been feeling quite lonely lately. I suppose that's all I have to say. No explanation or anything.

You were in my dream tonight. I woke up and all I wanted to do was find you in my dream again. So I could say I was sorry, so I could tell you how much I've missed you. So I could be there for you. I hate not knowing how you're doing...how you're feeling...how life is going. I hate feeling so separated from a person that I'm so attached to. I guess that's a beautiful way to summarize it. Separation and Attachment.


I feel like Separation and Attachment is an Emily Dickinson poem never written...or maybe Sylvia Plath. I'd hope it would be Emily though.


I finished reading two books in one week. One was about a fictitious Manhattan call girl who marries a man yet still has sex with other men for money. Charming really. The other one was slightly more intellectual. It was written beautifully and told many different stories. It was "The Lover" by Marguerite Duras. Lovely really. It made me want a man like her Chinese man...a man who loves her...he is scared to say how much...but she just knows it. I want that kind of love. Mad love. Love worth living and dying for. You'd never guess it...I'm such a hopeless romantic.

I am willing to wait for it...but I would really like this loneliness to fade away soon. Any suggestions for a girl in the Lonely Hearts' Club?

i want to meet someone brand new and in the most random way. i want them to understand me the way that he used to. i want to be beautiful even if i'm make-up less and in sweatpants. i want to be beautiful when i'm being silly. i want someone to finally put in the same amount of effort i do in a relationship. i want to be adored. i know that may be asking too much...but once upon a time I was able to be adored. now i feel like i am undesirable. i want to be in love. i want to have someone that i cannot take my mind off of...and i want them to always be thinking of me. i want some fucking reciprocity. i want something special. i want something of some substance. i want a relationship that makes me feel better, not worse.

i give up.




i bet you won't even notice.



and that's the best part of it all.




no worries...i've grown accustomed to being replaced by everyone i love. it's second nature to me now.

It's sad that the only time I desire to write in this is if I do massive reconstruction on its appearance. I'm so weird.


Well I don't have much to say besides I love London, but I miss home. I cannot describe how much I wish I could stay here. And I cannot tell you how much I cannot wait to be home. I miss Lola (my car...for those of you out of the loop), I miss Ben and Jerry's (pathetic I know), I miss my parents, I miss being able to get whatever I want to eat at whatever time of day. I will never take 24 hour establishments for granted ever again. I miss my bed (for those that have experienced the heaven-like euphoria that my bed brings about, you understand my pain) I miss home-cooking. I miss American television...as ridiculous as that sounds. I miss Providence shows. I miss Katie and Brad. I miss TACO BELL. There is just so much about home that I miss...which brings me to my next point, which will probably be shocking for some.


So, I've been thinking about grad school...which I need to do now that I'm well into my junior year of college (eek!). And I've been researching the best grad schools for my major...and I was extremely excited when Brown came up. In high school I could not wait to get out of RI...I applied to one RI school because my guidance counselor made me...I wanted to leave so badly. I have left, and I am so glad I did. But now, I feel like it would be great to return for grad school. Strange. Being in London has made me realize that, as the saying goes, home is where the heart is. My heart is in RI. I love it there and despite its downfalls it's still my home and I love it...it just took me long periods of withdrawal to realize it.


London is great though. I could see myself definitely living here for an extended period at some point in my life. I got offered a job at the place I'm interning at. I was so tempted to just do it. Be spontaneous. Shock my parents! But it's just not the place for me at this moment in time. London is my most favorite city in the world and I will be back. Especially since the men love me here. So if I'm ever old and lonely and without a man...LONDON HERE I COME!!! haha. I laugh, but I'm half serious.


I don't know what else to write. Lately everyday has been the same...there is nothing to break this monotony...I hope this busy weekend will break me of this feeling of repetitiveness.



Longest entry in such a long time.


Okay...4am...my favorite time of day. No lie. And it's time to go to bed. Mmmmm...I love sleep. More than anyone could ever understand. Except for maybe Katie...she loves sleep too. (However, when her ass is here in London in approximately 18 days, there will be no sleep. None whatsoever.)



I just thought of Friendly's. Katie. December 5th...Dinner #1: Friendly's...Late Night Snack: Taco Bell. Man, I can't wait to be home.

i feel like everyone here is starting to get sick of me...i feel like everyone, everywhere is starting to not care about me. i'm beginning to not like myself.

I got tagged...now I'm supposed to write 20 things about myself...

1. I am petrified of sharks. Scared to death. I have trouble swimming in pools at night because I think there might be a shark in there.
2. I pray. But I don't know who I pray to.
3. I would wear sweatpants and sweatshirts all the time if I could.
4. I'm a very open person about a lot of things. But I shut myself off from emotional attachments.
5. I love carnivals. I wish I could go to one everyday.
6. I truly trust three people in my life.
7. I like the rain. I love thunderstorms!
8. I never cry out of happiness. Unless Katie Szurley makes me laugh til my eyes start tearing.
9. Certain songs can change my entire mood. (Especially 'Wannabe' by the Spice Girls)
10. I hardly ever get angry...but when I do get angry...I scare people.
11. I would be completely happy with being poor for the rest of my life.
12. I love to travel. I would go stir crazy if I stayed in one place for too long.
13. I don't think I'm smart.
14. The first man I ever loved died.
15. I sing in the shower. Sometimes my roommates join in. (The song, not the shower)
16. I drink. And I don't know why.
17. I love poems by Lord Byron.
18. Shoes and hats make me very happy.
19. I wish I could play an instrument (I really want to play the cello)
20. I am truly at peace when I am making art.



I have to tag six people now

Miss Katherine, Mister Bradford, Mister Dennis, Miss Mojo, Mister Dan Z, and Mister Schiff

i could have a great night..and i always do...but it doesn't feel right without you.




PS- KATIE IS GETTING HER ASS TO THE UK ON THE 22ND OF NOVEMBER!!! SHIT SHOW FOR 7 DAYS!!! CANNOT WAIT!!!I'M SO HAPPY. I MISS MY BEST FRIEND AND NOW WE GET TO DO IT UP RIGHT IN LONDON. BOYS-WATCH OUT ON NOVEMBER 22ND! SPAZ AND SPUNKY ON THE LOOSE!!!!

lately i realized i haven't written anything in here except things that pertain to my love life...


i think this is because I don't want to fill up my real and intelligent journal with dribble about crushes and kisses...


so on the love life note...


I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW!!!


I'm so giddy.



It's going to be great...I just know it.


<3

Tonight was amazing.


I babysat from 530 til 1130 and I didn't even get home til midnight but that didn't stop me and Kelly from going out. Hell no.


We went to the sports cafe...our usual tuesday hangout...it was hilarious tonight because we both arrived sober. Such creepy guys wanted us and I just kept screaming and running away...typical.



However, at the beginning of the night I noticed a very attractive guy by the DJ booth...he helped me protect my jacket. We had been making eyes at each other all night but it was his older, not as attractive friend that kept dancing with me. Finally...Kelly pulled a "hey my friend thinks your friend is cute" manuever and so I finally got to meet him and talk to him and we played foosball and danced.(Great dancer...REALLY good dancer)


He's from Syria. (Grandma would be proud) His name is Homam and he's 22 and he is one of the best kissers I have ever encountered. Not to mention that he is GORGEOUS. We are hanging out tomorrow. I'm extremely giddy for the possibilities.


PS-for those confused about how I could go from Tom to Homam so easily...Tom is unattainable and I was interested only in the chance of getting him...I liked the chase with him...but Kelly likes him a lot more than I do so go KEL!


mmm...wish I could have brough Homam home with me.


I got a ride home from the club in a beemer with Michael who is a bouncer at the sports cafe...guess who is forever getting in free!?


okay..enough of this..



i loved tonight..i love kelly...i love syrian boys.

I never write in this thing. But when I do, it must be obvious that I'm trying to avoid doing homework.


Katie-I am so excited you're coming here. And I'm so sorry that you're not having the best time of you life right now...but come November 22nd you will not know what to do with yourself. I am going to show you the time of your life. Oh and PS-GET A PHONE CARD! I also want to apologize for not being able to be a really great friend to you right now. It's really hectic here and it's so expensive and difficult to call home. But hopefully you still know that I'm here for you...and even though I may seem distant...if there is a problem, just call my name and I will be there.


I just read something that made me think. Tomorrow is not promised. What a crazy/scary/motivational thought. People always say "No day but today" and "Seize the day" but nothing ever struck me so much as tomorrow is never promised.



So...in light of that statement...I've decided that I need to move on. I can't wait any longer for something that's promised in the future. I need/deserve to have happiness now and not when it's convenient. I'm not going to be scared anymore. I'm going to open myself up to people like I used to before I got hurt. I'm going to remind myself that there may not be a tomorrow for me or anyone else so I must do what's right for me.

I met someone. Tom. He's cute and fun and very sweet to me and all my friends. I want to be able to open up to him...dive right in without any baggage. That's what I plan on doing.


Living for today...not waiting for tomorrow.

One little compliment can make you feel amazing. So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty. Put this in your journal. And once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and this will remind that you're not so bad in other people's eyes after all.

you mean more to me than any other person in my life right now.


thank god i talked to you tonight. everything that i've been thinking about...everything that just makes no sense in my head gets sorted out so easily when i speak to you. a calm comes over me...like everything might just be alright. i'm scared of this power you have over me, yet i can't seem to turn away.


i love you, my narcoletpic idiot. i love you so much.

Well whoever it is...my suggestion is to speak up!!!!!

FINALLY!! A BRIT!!! His name is Jon and he is from Manchester. (I told him all I knew about Manchester was Manchester United and that's because of David Beckham...He said Beckham was gay. haha)



Finally. The best too. Too bad he is going back to Manchester tomorrow. Uf!


The best part is that he told me I'm like a shark...a predator. I told him that if I had wanted him then I would have had him already. Then he told Kelly that I'm like Great White...which he meant as a compliment (meaning i'm the most badass and sly off all predators) but I was offended. My pout won him over...as it does every other European man.



Love that they're so easy to please.



But man oh man when he kissed my neck he even said "when i kiss your neck, you get kind of angry, like you want to have sex with me right here right now"...he was right. haha. my neck is my weak spot. although when he kissed it, it made me long for a certain someone else to kiss it. although jon may have been better.



ugh. damn manchester.


oh and kelly also made out with a brit. named wayne... haha. funny name.